Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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