Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
