guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
