I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
