I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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