I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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