All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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