My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
