Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
