if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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