I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
