Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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