anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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