true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
