Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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