the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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