If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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