New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
