I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
