Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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