God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I intend to get homeless drunk
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
