Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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