One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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