I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
