I wish I could teleport
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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