Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
