I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
