If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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