my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
farters have to be the big spoon...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
