you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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