Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
