Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just pee around me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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