Im at strip club and am horny
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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