I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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