My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
