I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
