yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
