I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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