Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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