So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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