I will die if light touches me.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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