sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
