OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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