you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So apparently I’m into choking now
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