why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I did not marry a roomba.
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