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The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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