I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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