i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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