Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
