i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
