I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
