There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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