summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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