On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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