i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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