if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
