I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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