I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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