just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
