the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
